


The Worst Enemy

by CanineKitten



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Follows canon up to 698, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 20:09:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17066276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanineKitten/pseuds/CanineKitten
Summary: The toughest battles are fought in silence. The worst enemy is the one that you fight alone.





	The Worst Enemy

"I'm worried about Sasuke," Sakura confessed one day.

Naruto stuffed noodles into his mouth. "Why?" He said around the food.

Sakura scrunched up her nose.

"I don't think he's eating properly. He lets no one come visit him. I don't think he's changed his clothes since the last time I visited. What is there not to worry about?"

Naruto swallowed. "I had no idea he was doing that bad..." He thought for a second. "I guess it's been a while since I visited, with the jounin training and all."

Sakura shook her head. "I can't believe you're giving up on him, now of all times."

"I'm not giving up on him! It's just been a lot on my plate recently."

"You used to be the one who refused to stop believing in him. What happened? Was it just your pride that drove you? You couldn't break a promise since it's your nindo and all?"

Naruto slammed his chopsticks down on the table.

"I would never...! How can you say that?" He took a deep breath. "I told you it's been a lot to do. That's all. I'm not giving up on him just like that!"

He wanted to tell Sakura to stop looking so saddened. She knew nothing, he thought. If she believed he'd just leave Sasuke to rot the second he got him back to the village, she was damned wrong.

"Are you sure you're not postponing seeing him?" Sakura asked gently.

"I've already seen him," Naruto said. "But he didn't want to talk to me."

Sakura put a soothing hand on his arm.

"Naruto..."

Naruto shook his head and put a smile on his face.

"It's okay," he said. "It's just... Seeing him under normal circumstances was different than I'd thought."

"He's not like he used to," Sakura said softly. "Tsunade said he might be suffering from ptsd. And besides... after all the things he did..."

"We can't hold him accountable for those things anymore," Naruto said hotly.

"I'm not saying that. What I'm trying to say is that the things he did just helped to drive him further into his madness. You know as well as I that he is a good person. He knows what he's done. Just imagine what that's doing to him."

Naruto stirred his ramen. He suddenly didn't feel so hungry anymore.

"What about us?" He said.

"What do you mean?"

"... What about what he did to us? Have you ever thought about what that does to us?"

"Every day," Sakura said quietly.

"... How do you cope with it?"

Sakura patted his back. "I don't know."

 

\------

 

The house Sasuke lived in lay on the outskirts of town, in a quiet, almost lifeless neighborhood. Sasuke’s house, along with those around it, looked unlived in. They were rundown and the small patches of gardens outside were overgrown to the point where the houses were almost hidden behind trees and bushes.

Naruto wondered if he'd come to a neighborhood of ghosts.

For a long while he thought he was at the wrong house because no one answered the door. The windows were dark and the paint was faded. The lawn was so overgrown that the grass reached him to the knees.

He was about to try a different house when the door opened.

"Naruto?" Sasuke sounded surprised. He also sounded very tired. His skin was ashen and he had dark bags under his eyes. His hair had grown longer and was tied into a messy bun at the back of his head.

Naruto shut his gaping mouth. He realized it had been a very long time since he saw Sasuke. He'd become leaner, a bit taller, and somehow even more handsome than he remembered him.

"Hi! It's been a while," Naruto said and rubbed the back of his head.

Sasuke leant against the doorframe and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

He said nothing and gave no indication that he wanted Naruto to come in.

"I - uh..." Naruto faltered. "I thought maybe we could catch up..." Damn, bad phrasing... "Or, um... Just hang out for a bit..."

He had not thought this through. Not at all. What could he and Sasuke do together? The only thing they knew how to do, was to bicker and fight, and it was becoming clear that neither was something he'd get from Sasuke today. He seemed careless, almost apathetic.

He was slouching slightly, and the clothes he wore hung loosely on his body.

He shook his head. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I have other things to do."

"Like what?"

Sasuke took a step back, ready to slam the door shut. "That's none of your business."

Naruto hurried to hold the door open before Sasuke could close it.

"That's bullshit," he growled. "You don't do anything. You don't work, you don't study... You do nothing!"

"What do you know about that?" Sasuke snapped. He tried to shove Naruto out of the doorway. "Move."

"No!" Naruto stood his ground. "I think we should talk."

Sasuke's hand didn't move away from Naruto's chest. Naruto suddenly became intensely aware of it.

"Talk," Sasuke said tonelessly. "Haven't you talked enough?"

"But I want to talk to you. I want us to talk."

Sasuke took a step back. His hand clenched around the door handle.

"We have nothing to talk about."

Naruto opened his mouth to say 'yes, there is' when he suddenly remembered that all the things they had in common were things that also would be potentially difficult for Sasuke to talk about.

He didn't get to say anything else before the door was slammed in his face.

 

\------

 

"He didn't want to talk to me either," Naruto said.

"That's what I too thought the first time I visited him," Sakura said. "But if you think about it, Sasuke has nothing to gain from pushing us away. He has no one else to go to. When he closes off it's not to punish us, it's to punish himself. Do you understand?"

"Not really..."

"He's always tried to put a distance between him and others. Why do you think he'd doing it? If we know him right, and I know we do, then it's because he doesn't know anything else. All he's done from he was a child till now has been a means to an end. Now that he's reached that end, what do you think is left for him?"

Naruto shook his head. "You've put a lot of thought into this. Has he told your this?"

"Of course not. I can barely get more than two words a time out of him."

"But he lets you in?"

"... Occasionally..."

Naruto wondered if something had happened between Sasuke and Sakura. Sakura wasn't obsessing over Sasuke the same way that she used to anymore, and Sasuke seemed to accept her more readily than before. She was still eager to help him, but now it seemed she did it more for his sake than out of some hope that he'd return her feelings.

Naruto got the answer to that just a few days later. He and Sakura used to meet and talk at least once a week. That day they stayed at the restaurant until late, drinking and talking.

"I have to admit something," Sakura said. She lowered her voice and leant closer to Naruto. Her breath smelled of sake. "I haven't told anyone about this before." She bit her lip. "A few months ago... it wasn't long after Sasuke came back and he started allowing me to come back into his life. I... I made a mistake. I slept with him."

Naruto felt all blood leave his face. He gaped at her.

She blushed furiously. "I know. It was... it was a very bad choice."

Naruto swallowed. For some reason he felt betrayed.

Sakura continued talking, oblivious.

"I'm not even sure how it happened. It just... He wanted to and I... I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world until it was over and I just felt...nothing. We didn't speak about it afterwards. We're just both pretending it never happened." She picked on a spot on the table. "I haven't even told Ino this," she admitted. "I know she would freak out and I just can't handle that."

She looked at Naruto curiously. "Aren't you gonna say anything?"

"Um... Well... I'm just surprised. I didn't know that, um... That he... I mean... Not to be insensitive, but I didn't think he returned your feelings."

"Me neither," she said. "I thought I didn't have a chance with him after he rejected my last confession. That's why I just went with it when he one day kissed me out of nowhere. I thought it was finally my chance. But..." She shook her head. "That was when I finally realized that I actually didn't feel that way about him. That experience just showed that there was no spark between us at all. I'd just been blinded by my predetermined ideas of a prefect life."

Naruto wanted to walk away from there. Each word she spoke felt like a claw digging into his heart. He didn't want to hear more about that affair, but he clenched his teeth together and stayed put. She had told him this in complete confidence. She couldn't know that her words would hurt him so much, and as a friend he owed her his support.

"Did he..." Naruto cleared his throat. "Did he give any indication that it meant something more to him?"

"... I think it meant as little to him as it did to me." She laughed bitterly. "Probably less. I thought a lot about it afterwards, and I think he just used me as a way to… to feel something... But I don't really know what goes on inside his head."

"I'm sorry," Naruto said.

He wasn't sorry that it hadn’t worked out, but he was sorry that Sakura had been hurt.

She gave him a wobbly smile. He placed his arm around her and gave her a hug.

"I'm glad I have you," Sakura murmured. "Let's agree not to fuck up anything between us, okay?"

Naruto smiled against her hair. He readily agreed to that.

 

\------

 

Naruto thought a lot about what Sakura had told him. He wanted to stay mad at Sasuke, but what Sakura said made more and more sense the more he thought about it. Between studying scrolls and writing assignments, he decided to try and visit Sasuke again. This time the door wasn’t opened even though Naruto knocked for a good ten minutes. But Naruto wasn't about to be deterred. He had something planned for today and he was determined to get Sasuke to agree to it. He went around the corner of the house, making his way through waist high bushes, and knocked on the window.

"Sasuke! I know you're in there!"

There was no response. The curtains were closed.

Naruto went around to the back. There was a small, weathered patio outside with a rickety roof hanging over it. The sun was baking down from the middle of the sky. It wasn't a cloud in sight. The crickets were chirping in the tall, dry grass. Naruto sat down at the edge of the patio. A tomato plant was growing right next to it. He picked a tomato that was red and plump and dug his teeth into it.

It was sweet and juicy.

There came a loud sound from behind him as the patio doors opened with a screech.

Naruto looked up at Sasuke. He stood in the doorway, one hand on the door, his hair slightly tousled. It was long enough to reach past his shoulders.

"Hey." Naruto held up another tomato. "Want one?"

Sasuke snapped it from his hand. "You woke me up."

Naruto looked up at the sky. "It's the middle of the day. Why were you sleeping?"

"Why do you care?" Sasuke frowned.

"Because... I'm your friend?"

"...Friend?" Sasuke said the word almost like he was testing it out. He shook his head. He looked tired. "You have lots of other friends you can visit. Why are you bothering with me?"

Naruto had to take a deep breath and remind himself of what Sakura had said.

'He's trying to push me away, but I won't let him.'

"I wondered if you wanted to go to one of the training field? Spar a little?"

Sasuke's face became even blanker than usual.

"What do you want from me?"

Naruto frowned. "I already told you, I'm your friend. I just want to spend time with you."

"Listen," Sasuke stared down at Naruto. "You don't need to pretend to care about me. I don't need your pity."

He threw the tomato and Naruto caught it just before it hit his forehead.

Naruto stood. Since Sasuke was standing on the patio, he could still look down on Naruto.

"I'm not coming here out of pity. I actually want to see you. I miss you."

Sasuke's eyes darted to the side. He looked down at the scrawny little tomato plant clinging to the floorboards.

Naruto took a step closer.

"I'm worried about you," he said quietly. "I just want to make sure that you're okay."

Sasuke met his gaze. Naruto was surprised by the vulnerability he found in his eyes. He opened his mouth but closed it again without speaking. He looked down at his hands.

Naruto felt a strange mood fall over them. It wasn't often they were open with each other. Not like this. Not without their walls ten miles high, spewing insults at each other.

"You can stay for tea... If you want..." Sasuke said. He turned his back on Naruto and disappeared into the house without waiting for an answer.

Naruto waited on the patio. Sasuke came out with two cups and handed one to Naruto. The strange mood stretched into awkwardness. It was almost a surreal feeling to sip a cup of tea in Sasuke's company in the quiet of his backyard.

Naruto tried to think of something to talk about, but when he looked over at Sasuke he looked so content with his eyes closed and his face turned up towards the sun, that Naruto decided to try and enjoy the silence for a while. He found that his eyes were drawn to Sasuke's face. To the soft bow of his upper lip, and the contrast between his pale, almost translucent skin and the dark, wing-shaped sweep of his bangs against his cheek.

Warmth filled him. There was a really nice, soft flutter in his stomach. What was this feeling?

Sasuke opened his eyes and met Naruto's gaze. Naruto looked away.

"It's nice here," he said. "Quiet."

He thumbed the empty cup in his hands.

"So... What are you doing nowadays?"

Sasuke was quiet for so long that Naruto thought he wouldn't answer. When he spoke his voice was tense.

"I thought you knew. Nothing."

"But... You have to do something."

Sasuke placed his cup on the patio. "Is that why you're here? To lecture me?"

"No, of course not."                           

Sasuke leveled him with an even gaze. "But that's what you're doing."

"I'm just curious. I wonder what you do all day, alone in here..."

Sasuke stood. "I think it's time you left."

He went inside the house and slammed the door shut.

Naruto sighed. All in all, the visit hadn’t been a complete disaster.

 

\------

 

Sakura sighed when Naruto told her how the visit went.

"Naruto... He's depressed."

Naruto snorted. "Sasuke? Depressed?" He realized she was serious. "I've never thought of him as depressed... More... Psychopathic, really."

Sakura hit his shoulder.

"Ouch!"

"I bring him food a few times a week. I usually drop by in the evening, but sometimes he isn't awake even then. He speaks little. Usually he just stares into thin air. He forgets things. He has moments when he looks completely broken..."

Her voice quivered.

"It's painful to see him like that."

Naruto couldn't even start to imagine that Sasuke could be that broken. He'd always seemed so strong.

"I guess suggesting he should start working is out, then."

"Also, don't bring up the past if you can help it. I triggered an episode once, and it was not pretty."

"An episode?"

"He started hyperventilating and crumbled to the floor. I had no idea what to do. I just stood there in shock, completely useless."

"Shit..."

He'd had no idea it was this bad.

He decided it would be a good idea to visit Sasuke on the days that Sakura couldn't. That way there'd always be someone to look after him. He talked it through with her and they arranged a schedule.

 

\------

 

On Tuesday it was visiting day. Naruto bought food on the way over after having finished with his daily missions. He couldn’t do high ranked missions since he wasn’t officially a jounin yet, but still, taking smaller missions gave him something to do and earned him some much needed money.

For the past few weeks he'd been visiting Sasuke twice a week, and he started seeing with his own eyes how miserable Sasuke actually was. He was banned from leaving Konoha any time in the foreseeable future, and he was also banned from attending shinobi duty. He was seemingly left to fend for himself with no chance to take on any jobs that could break up his days.

In truth, Sasuke didn’t seem to be fit for working yet anyway. He had trouble just feeding himself. How would he be able to perform operations that were much more demanding?

Naruto had assumed that Sasuke lived off his family's money, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. If he had money then why would he live in such a rundown house? He must be living off a small allowance from the village, or maybe he didn’t even have that much.

Naruto started to realize how much Sasuke had lost, how trapped he was. He wished he could help him somehow, but all he could do was to just stay with him and make sure he took care of himself.

 

\------

 

Sasuke woke up with a gasp. His gaze darted wildly around the room. He was alone. The room was dark and quiet. He got up on quivering arms and kneeled on the futon. He was still heaving for breath after the nightmare. It was the same old one who kept haunting him. He was walking along with his family when they passed through a forest. He was inattentive for only a short moment, but in that moment he lost them out of sight. He looked all around but all he heard was the softest whisper of someone slipping past him, unseen. Then he spotted his brother and ran towards him. He called out his name and Itachi turned, but his gaze was empty and he didn’t answer Sasuke’s pleas and calls. Then he turned away and disappeared into the woods, and Sasuke just couldn’t catch up to him no matter how fast he tried to run. He stumbled through the dark underbrush, past branches that snagged at his clothes, and tripped over roots that rose up from the black soil. The sky disappeared from view. All he could see above him was the looming tree crowns that closed out all daylight and left what was growing on the ground far below to die.

He woke with his heart in his throat only to realize that the nightmare was true. He was alone, just as he’d feared. All alone.

He clutched his chest. The pain almost made him retch. He tried to calm his breath, like he knew he should in order to calm down, like his psychologist had told him to, but it was impossible because he could feel that black hole in his chest open up and try to suck him in, and he knew that empty, desperate feeling all too well. It was what defined him. It was what made him who he was. Who was he without it? No one. He was no one.

He was pulled from his internal hell by the loud knocking on his door. He lay still, trying to center and relocate himself. He stared up at the roof, waiting for the knocking to stop and go away. It did, eventually. Until… Someone was in his house. In his kitchen, to be precise. He could hear them shuffling through the cabinets.

Naruto, he thought. It could only be Naruto.

He got up on shaky legs and made his way to the kitchen, his shoulder stiff and his mouth dry as sandpaper. He just stared at Naruto from the doorway. Naruto didn’t notice him at first.

“Oh, hi! I’m sorry about just waltzing in but Sakura insisted that I should bring you some food since she can’t visit you this week, so I thought…” he trailed off.

Apparently he was finally taking in Sasuke’s pale face.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“I’m fine,” Sasuke bit out. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this, especially not Naruto.

“Leave the food, I can put it away myself.”

Naruto took a look around the kitchen, at the dirty dishes in the sink, the empty cupboards, and the dust covering the tabletops.

He picked up a crusty plate.

“How long is it since you ate?”

“What is it to you?”

Sasuke took the plate from Naruto’s hands and slammed it down into the sink so hard it cracked. He didn’t even offer it a glance.

“Um… I just want to help…” Naruto said.

“I don’t want your help.” Sasuke took a step closer, lowering his voice. “Get out of my house.”

Finally, anger reached Naruto’s eyes.

“Fine,” he said, his brow dark. He slammed the bag of groceries down on the counter. “You can starve for all I care.”

He turned on his heel and hurried out the way he’d come, through the patio door. Sasuke waited till he was completely sure that Naruto wasn’t coming back, before he allowed himself to sink down on the floor and bury his face in his hands.

He wanted Naruto to stay more than anything. But his first instinct was to drive him away. To pour out onto him all the acid that was surging underneath the surface. Naruto was such an easy target. Back in the days, though, he would have threatened to beat up Sasuke. Now he had matured enough to not let his anger run away with him. Or maybe he’d just stopped caring enough about Sasuke to bother.

 

\------

 

Naruto didn't know why, but he always returned to Sasuke. Maybe he was a masochist. Maybe that was why, because trying to reason with Sasuke was much like self-torture. On good days Sasuke would be numb and quiet, eating his food if urged but looking like he couldn't care less. Naruto had made them instant ramen almost every day lately, but Sasuke still hadn't complained. Naruto knew no one else but himself who could stand that kind of diet for so long, but in Sasuke's case it certainly didn't look like he was enjoying it.

On bad days, Sasuke would refuse to let Naruto into the house, and kick him out if he didn't listen. If Naruto resisted, Sasuke could get violent. Naruto got the feeling that he wanted to fight, so he restrained his anger when Sasuke taunted him.

But one day he couldn't take it anymore. He pushed Sasuke back so that he stumbled into the kitchen counter.

"I'm not leaving," he said through clenched teeth. "Not until I've seen you eat."

Sasuke straightened up and squared his shoulders.

"Don't you have better things to do than baby me? You're the war hero," he practically spat the title. "Don't you have a bunch of important people to suck up to?"

Naruto felt hurt, and he was unable to hide it.

Sasuke sneered. "Don't think I don't know you like it. It's your time to shine, right? People like me don’t matter anymore. I'll just drag you down.”

Naruto knew he shouldn't, but there was no helping it. Everything blacked out for a second, and the next thing he knew he had pushed Sasuke up against the counter with his hands fisted in his shirt. He stared Sasuke down through a red haze. His arms were shaking with the effort not to hit him. Sasuke looked unaffected, almost amused, and it just angered Naruto more. He slammed Sasuke against the counter.

"You know nothing," he hissed. "You know nothing about me!"

"I know enough to tell that you enjoy your new-gained fame more than you're willing to admit. Finally you're someone. Just a shame people like me are here to remind you of who you once were."

He pushed closer to Naruto. Their noses were almost touching. Naruto's breath hitched in his throat.

"It makes me wonder why you bother," Sasuke said, his voice barely above a whisper. "What's in it for you? Why do you care about me?"

"You know why. Because you're my friend."

"Is this how you treat your friends?" Sasuke looked almost saddened. "By storing them away only to come visiting when you feel too guilty about it?"

Naruto felt like screaming. Or crying.

"It's not like that..." He put a hand to Sasuke's cheek. "I'm not visiting because of guilt. I want to help you somehow. I just don't know how."

To his surprise Sasuke looked downwards with almost a touched expression. He pursed his lips like he was trying to keep them from quivering.

"I understood it differently," he said softly. "After I came back and was chained down, I didn't see you for months..."

"I wasn't allowed to visit," Naruto whispered. He'd fought to get to see him, but the security team wouldn't budge on it.

"You didn't see me after I was freed either."

"That's not true. I visited the very first day you were set free, but you pushed me away."

Sasuke wrenched out of Naruto's hold, but Naruto couldn't let him go, not now when they were finally talking.

"I didn't know what you wanted back then," Naruto said. "I was insecure too."

"I needed you," Sasuke bit out through clenched teeth, his voice so broken Naruto's heart clenched.

"I need you..." Sasuke whispered.

Naruto pulled him close to his chest and Sasuke lamely let him.

"I'm sorry," Naruto said. He really was. "I'm sorry..."

He rubbed Sasuke's back. He felt Sasuke turn his face towards him, felt his warm breath fall over his cheek. His heart jumped over a beat. Surely, it was just a coincidence. Sasuke couldn't be thinking about...

He felt warm lips against his own, lightly touching the corner of his mouth. His heart almost shot out of his chest. He froze. Sasuke lingered, pushed his lips firmer to Naruto's.

Naruto put his hands on Sasuke's chest and pushed him away.

"What are you doing?" Naruto said.

Sasuke's eyes were wide.

Then he blinked and the dazed gaze left in favor for a hard, cold mask. He wrenched out of Naruto's grip.

"Forget about it." His voice was heated and a little shaky. He turned away. "It was nothing. Just go."

Naruto reached out and grabbed his arm. Sasuke pulled away.

"Go!"

"No!"

Sasuke turned and shoved him.

"Why can you never learn when you're unwanted? Leave!"

Naruto grabbed his arms. "You said you needed me!"

"And now I need you to leave!"

There was a note of despair in his voice. He pulled out of Naruto's grip and shoved him so that he stumbled backwards and fell. Sasuke was over him the next second, straddling him and fisting his jacket.

"You're so fucking stubborn," he hissed.

"And you're confusing," Naruto growled.

He didn't know what to do with Sasuke's weight atop him. If he acted now he could probably flip him over easily, but a very large part of him was intrigued by their position.

Sasuke shifted backwards and felt the hardening outline of Naruto's cock against his ass. He looked surprised, but made no effort to move away. Naruto got steadily redder in the face at what Sasuke's proximity was doing to him. He knew Sasuke must feel how his dick grew under him, but he didn't move away. Instead he rocked his hips a little.

Naruto whimpered.

Then Sasuke leant forward, and this time Naruto didn't push him away when he kissed him. He closed his eyes instead and then he forgot. He forgot everything about who they were, about their history, about their fight. He had no idea he needed Sasuke as much as he did now.

He felt Sasuke fumble with his pants and sucked in a startled breath. Sasuke's hand was warm and firm around his cock. He groaned. The long fingers curled nimbly around his dick and caressed it experimentally. Naruto's toes curled when Sasuke touched him in an especially nice way.

Sasuke sat up. Naruto made a sound of dissatisfaction and reached out for him.

Sasuke reached for something and Naruto heard him knock over a bottle of some sort. When his hand returned to Naruto's cock, it was wet. Naruto startled. Then Sasuke's mouth was over his again, insistent and needy, and he allowed it to happen without asking questions. Sasuke's hand got firmer, more secure, and Naruto felt a nice warmth settle in his stomach. Then Sasuke's hand left him again. Naruto made a small groan of protest.

Sasuke was loosening his own pants. He grabbed Naruto's cock again, and then he sat back over it, pressing it to the seam of his ass. Naruto was about to protest. He couldn't see that this was going anywhere that benefited Sasuke, but then he felt the tip of his cock sink into a tight, tight space, and the words died on his tongue. He stared up at Sasuke, his eyes surely comically wide, and his mouth half open. He grabbed Sasuke's hips to gain some sort of control over the situation, but the truth was that he had no control. No control at all.

He watched Sasuke's face as though in slow motion, saw his brow pinch as he mercilessly forced himself down on Naruto’s cock. Then he opened his mouth in a small curse, and leant forward, bowing his head.

He moved his hips slowly lower and lower down, impaling himself on Naruto's cock. Naruto let out a tense groan.

"Guh... Sasuke..."

"Shhh!" Sasuke bit out. He placed his hand over Naruto's mouth. Naruto turned his head to the side, since Sasuke was putting too much pressure on his mouth. He tried to help Sasuke with sinking onto his cock by moving his own hips and shifting Sasuke's in turn.

"Don't," Sasuke warned him tensely.

He started thrusting experimentally. Naruto was only halfway inside of him, but it still felt un-fucking-believably divine.

He had to put strict bonds on himself not to try and move with Sasuke. His hands still clenched almost desperately around his hips. He let them slip upwards, under Sasuke's shirt. He caressed his sides, up and down, in time with Sasuke's slow, short thrusts.

Sasuke leant forward, resting on one hand over Naruto. He had turned his face to the side so that his black bangs fanned over his cheek and his eyes. His lips were parted. He was panting softly.

Naruto bit his lip. Sasuke was starting to rock his hips in a way that felt fantastic, and Naruto knew he wasn't going to hold out much longer. He felt his balls clench and gave himself over to the deep orgasm that rolled over him and wrenched a deep groan out of him. His toes curled and his hands clenched around Sasuke's hips. Then he felt all strength leave him and just sunk back against the floor as mellow as a puddle of goo.

He felt Sasuke stop his movements and then he gently slipped off him. He was too satisfied to even open his eyes at first, so when he suddenly heard a door slam deeper inside the house, he was confused. He opened his eyes. Sasuke was not there. He sat up. Maybe he'd just gone to the bathroom? He tucked himself in despite the fact that he was sticky from the oil Sasuke had used as lubricant. He waited for a few minutes until he realized that Sasuke wasn't coming back. That was also when he realized that he'd done a giant mistake.

 

\------

 

He didn't tell Sakura about what happened. They were both fools, he thought, letting a crazy man twist them around his little finger. But he had to go back to Sasuke, even though just seeing him brought unwanted and embarrassing memories back. He had promised he'd bring him food. Also, he had a feeling that if he started avoiding Sasuke now, it might break him. He'd come to realize that under Sasuke's tough shell there was still an insecure little boy who needed someone to be there for him. If Naruto left after such an emotional and personal experience, he was giving Sasuke the impression that he thought what they'd done was wrong, which he didn't think, not really.

He was just overwhelmed. And confused. And also pretty shocked. He had to pinch himself every now and then to check if he was awake. But it was true. It was real. He'd slept with Sasuke. He'd slept with Sasuke! He'd never even been close to having sex in his whole life, not after the emotional turmoil that followed after the war and the months of depression he'd had to fight himself through, without anyone knowing, for the first half a year after he came back to Konoha. He'd barely been able to see his friends, but somehow he got through it thanks to Sakura and Kakashi's awareness around him. Somehow they'd noticed that something was wrong, and though he never told them what it was, they never strayed from his side or stopped supporting him.

Now he needed to do the same for Sasuke, even though if felt like a giant hurdle to try and reach out to him.

 

\-------

 

"Hi..."

Naruto stood on the threshold to Sasuke's patio door. He didn't know what to say or do. Sasuke basically ignored him, staring intently down at the book he was reading. Naruto walked inside nevertheless, and left the fastfood he'd brought on the kitchen counter.

“Um…” He started saying. He couldn’t stand the silence. “About yesterday..."

"Naruto," Sasuke cut him off. "Do me a favor and don't mention yesterday."

"But..." Naruto got annoyed. "Is this what you did to Sakura too? It was really shitty, by the way. Just using her and throwing her away. You're lucky she still cares for you."

Sasuke closed his book and stood. He met Naruto's gaze.

"I don't care," he said tonelessly. He brushed into Naruto's shoulder as he walked past him. Naruto felt something soft and fragile tense inside him at having Sasuke so close without being able to touch him. And then he felt mad at himself for being so weak. He wouldn't let Sasuke get to him. Not again.

"Hey, where are you going?"

Sasuke didn't answer.

Naruto grabbed his arm. Sasuke stopped.

"I didn't mean it," Naruto said. "I know that Sakura is a grown-up who can make her own choices... and so am I..."

He took a careful step closer to Sasuke, who had his back to him.

"But I just wish that you'd stop closing me out."

He caressed Sasuke's wrist.

"I..." he swallowed. "I enjoyed yesterday..."

Sasuke pulled out of Naruto's grip with an annoyed snort.

"I mean it!" Naruto hurried to say. "But it... it wasn't right of us to do it."

Sasuke finally turned. He gave Naruto an angry look.

"Because it wasn't thought through," Naruto added. "You... You use us to forget, don't you? That's not right, it's not how it should be..."

"Have you told anyone?" Sasuke asked.

"No! It's a secret between you and me."

"... Sakura told you about me and her."

"That was her choice. But she said that she hadn't told anyone else."

"Which means you'll tell her too."

"No... I can't tell her. She doesn't know that I... and besides, it would be weird if she knew that I threw myself over you the second she gave up."

"She doesn't know...? That you're gay?"

Naruto felt a small shock go through him. His first instinct was to deny it.

"I'm not gay!" he blurted out.

Sasuke just looked at him as though he found him especially stupid.

"Not entirely..." Naruto corrected. “I… I think I’m, like… bi," he admitted.

Sasuke shrugged. "Who cares?"

Naruto had to bite his teeth together in order to not reach out and throttle Sasuke.

"What about you?" He asked instead, a note of iron entering his voice in his annoyance.

Sasuke looked away from him. For a moment he was quiet.

"I've always been attracted to men."

Naruto was surprised he was being so open. Some of his annoyance left him.

"But I didn't have time for that when..."

Naruto could practically see Sasuke's shoulders tense.

"For a while I actually thought about..."

He broke off again. His hand clenched around the stump of his left arm. He hunched a bit.

Naruto took a hesitant step closer.

"Don't let it come back," Sasuke whispered. "Don't... I can't..." He shook his head.

Naruto touched his shoulder. Sasuke was starting to breathe faster. Naruto remembered what Sakura had said about triggers.

"Sasuke?" He said carefully in an attempt to reach in to him. "I'm here, Sasuke," he babbled.

Sasuke hunched over.

"Don't leave me..." He whispered so softly it seemed he was talking to himself.

Naruto answered never the less.

"I won't leave you. I'm right here." He rubbed Sasuke's arm, then his back.

They were both kneeling on the floor now. Sasuke was panting and shivering, but he seemed to be calming down very slowly.

Naruto continued saying comforting nonsense until Sasuke was finally breathing normally again.

He remained kneeling on the floor.

"Naruto," he whispered. "Please... leave..."

"But..."

"Please."

The desperate note to his voice was what made Naruto do as he said. He left slowly, watching Sasuke until he was out of sight. The he stopped on the road outside the house and stood there for a long while, just in case...

He didn't know what he'd do or how he'd know if Sasuke needed help... He tried not to think too hard about it, but the scene he'd witnessed made him worry for Sasuke's safety.

Sasuke was really in pain, and it was a kind of pain that Naruto found he was powerless at defending him against.

 

\-------

 

Naruto started visiting every day. Even when he was tired from training with students at the academy, which he did sometimes if he had enough time off, or if he was exhausted from a recent mission, or if his head was tired and his eyes parched from having read almost all night in preparation for the jounin exam, he still found time to see Sasuke for at least a few hours a day.

Most days Sasuke were numb and quiet. He just picked at his food and ate almost nothing no matter how much Naruto hounded him about it. Some days it was possible to get a few words or even sentences out of him. Those days Naruto was careful with not letting the conversation stray towards touchy subjects, which meant basically anything from the past.

He learned to respect Sasuke's wishes when he wanted him to leave. He had realized that it only meant Sasuke was tired and not that he was being rude on purpose.

The most difficult situations arose when Sasuke strove to get a reaction out of Naruto.

Naruto found that he lost his temper eight out of ten times when Sasuke decided to provoke him. But he knew that what Sasuke wanted was a reaction, and he didn't want to give him that. He couldn't fight with Sasuke because that meant giving him what he wanted: a chance to forget. He couldn't sleep with him either, for the same reason.

Sasuke said it himself once.

"I want you to hit me. Or fuck me. I don't care which it is."

Naruto refused to do either.

"I just want to feel something," Sasuke whispered. "Make me forget."

Naruto almost gave in on many occasions, especially when Sasuke got that desperate, broken tone in his voice.

Instead he held Sasuke and whispered comforting words till he could feel some of the tension leave him.

Sometimes he stayed till Sasuke fell asleep. On those nights it was difficult to leave because he knew that when Sasuke woke up he'd find that he was alone again... and just the thought of that made Naruto's heart break.

 

\------

 

Sakura visited more seldom because of work. She was grateful that Naruto was willing to take on a lot of her tasks, like bringing food.

"Does Sasuke ever leave the house?" She asked one evening after they'd taken a few beers together.

"I don't think so," Naruto said. "He's always at home when I visit, no matter which hour of the day it is."

"We should try to get him out more," Sakura suggested. "I think he could benefit from it."

Naruto wasn't so sure about it. "What if something happens that triggers him?"

"I've been thinking about that... I don't think it's good that he is too protected. He needs to get new input, to be challenged a bit. It doesn't need to be much. Just a walk around the neighborhood."

"You make it sound as easy as walking a dog," Naruto grumbled. He knew he wouldn't be able to make Sasuke take even one step outside if he didn't want to.

When they parted it was already late at night and Naruto hadn't yet checked up on Sasuke.

The house was dark and quiet when he arrived. He had a key now, so he locked himself inside. He went through the fridge. Nothing had been touched since yesterday.

He peeked into Sasuke's room. He seemed to be sleeping.

He wondered what would be the best plan of action. He was tired and wanted to go home and sleep. At the same time he felt guilty about neglecting Sasuke and although he was asleep he didn't want to just leave him.

He sat down on a pillow by the low table in the living room, and looked through the books in Sasuke's meager collection.

Naruto felt like he always saw Sasuke with his nose buried in some book, so he must have read them all at least twice. Probably more than that.

Naruto found then boring. They were either biographies of famous ninja, or difficultly written books on the science of ninjutsu.

It reminded Naruto too much of the books he was trying to get through so he could take his jounin exam.

He didn't notice that he was being watched until he looked up and found Sasuke standing in the doorway.

Sasuke walked over to him. He was wearing a dark blue yukata with an almost invisible pattern of lilies embroidered onto it with a slightly lighter blue thread. His feet were bare. He moved across the floor without a sound. He stood in front of Naruto for a second, as though hesitant. Then he knelt on the floor and leant in so close to Naruto that he could feel his breath on his cheek.

Naruto knew what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to shove Sasuke away. He was supposed to stop this. But he found he was powerless when Sasuke finally leant in close enough to kiss him. He didn’t stop Sasuke when he grabbed a bottle of oil from one of the shelves in the kitchen and slipped into his lap, either.

"We can't..." He murmured against Sasuke's lips in one last attempt to discourage Sasuke.

"Then why aren’t you stopping me?"

Naruto had no answer to that.

He didn’t resist Sasuke when he started undressing them both enough to slide down on Naruto’s cock, much like he did the last time. Sasuke groaned softly as he adjusted the position. Naruto clenched his teeth together. His hands clasped Sasuke’s waist in an attempt to calm himself down. He drew in sharp breaths through his nose. A groan forced itself up through his throat.

Sasuke set the pace and he did it to his own satisfaction. It seemed like he couldn’t come close enough to Naruto. He rolled his ass firmly down on Naruto’s lap with desperate, short thrusts, like he couldn’t get him to reach exactly where he needed him.

Naruto gently rolled them over onto the side, so that he could climb onto Sasuke. He settled down over him and reveled in how easily he slipped deeply inside of him. Sasuke’s mouth went lax and his eyes scrunched shut. He lifted up his legs and wrapped them tight around Naruto’s waist.

Naruto had no idea what he was doing so he used Sasuke’s face and voice as his only reference. When Sasuke’s breathing came in short and rushed puffs, he knew that he was doing something right.

Sasuke reached down and touched himself, and then he tensed. Naruto stopped thrusting. He looked down to Sasuke’s stomach, which was soiled with streaks of cum. He slipped out to a soft whimper from Sasuke.

Then he just sat there for a moment, his cock still achingly hard, but his mind screaming at him to come to his senses. It was too late now, though. He tucked himself in. Sasuke sat up, careful not to jostle his sore body. He wrapped the yukata around himself, unmindful of the fact that his cum would stain it. He didn’t look Naruto in the eyes, but Naruto wasn’t much braver. He picked up Sasuke’s briefs from the floor and handed them to him because he didn’t know what to do with his hands. Sasuke grabbed them and stood on slightly shaky legs.

“I shouldn’t have let it happen,” Naruto said softly.

“It’s a little late to say that now,” Sasuke said.

Naruto hung his head. “I’m sorry, I’m not… I’m not strong enough for this, Sasuke…”

“Why do you fight it?”

“Don’t you understand?” Naruto looked up at him. “I’m taking advantage of you.”

Sasuke shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not.” Naruto stood. “You’re not yourself. You don’t know what you really want.”

“I’m just a lunatic that you need to be considerate around, is that it?” Sasuke’s voice was chilly.

“No!” Naruto felt like tearing at his hair. It was impossible to talk to Sasuke. “You know what I meant!”

“No. I don’t.”

“You’re using me as a distraction, and you know it.”

“I thought you were using me.”

“I am! You’re using me and I’m using you back, just to… to feel some semblance of love and just… fill this aching hole of loneliness…” Naruto trailed off. He had said too much.

Sasuke had become quiet. A brittle expression had settled over his pale face.

“You feel that too?” he asked.

Naruto nodded. “Every day.”

“How do you cope with it?”

“Like everyone else, I guess. I fill my life with something to do and try to stay as little in my own company as I can.” He meant to bring in a little humor, but he realized that it was all too true.

“That only works as long as you have something else in your life that gives you meaning.”

Sasuke’s voice was unusually thin and frail.

Naruto wanted to envelop him in his arms and never let him go.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Again with the apologizing. What are you apologizing for?”

Naruto shook his head. “I don’t know. I just wish I could help you.”

Sasuke took a step closer to Naruto. “You do,” he said. “Every day. The only reason I get out of bed at all is because of you.”

Naruto touched Sasuke’s hand. “Really?”

“You’re the only one who seems to care about me anymore.”

“Sakura does too… She just has a lot to do at work…”

“I don’t care about Sakura.”

“She cares about you.”

“… Not enough to keep believing in me.”

Naruto took Sasuke into his arms and held him. Sasuke leant his head on Naruto’s shoulder.

“I'm here for you as long as you want me to,” Naruto said.

Then he added more carefully, “If you want… I could move in here with you. Just for a while. Until you get back on your feet."

"You can't," Sasuke said almost reluctantly. "I can't ask you to do something like that."

“I’m willing to do it,” Naruto said. “I want to.”

“…You know I’m not easy to live with.”

“You’re not that bad.”

“You’re gonna storm out the door in anger ten times a day.”

“Then I’ll just have to do that. I’ll come back. You know I will.”

“Naruto…” Sasuke’s voice shook slightly. “…Thank you.”

 

\------

 

They both knew that Naruto’s stay wasn’t temporary. Naruto sold his apartment and moved all his stuff to Sasuke’s place. They slept in the same room, in the same bed, but neither of them expected that to mean something more. They didn’t do it for the sexual aspect, but because Sasuke slept better when he was close to someone, and Naruto wanted to be close enough to wake up if Sasuke had a bad dream, which he had often.

One of the first nights, Naruto woke to Sasuke’s incoherent muttering.

"I can't... I can't... Please… Don’t…"

Naruto had no idea what Sasuke was talking about, but the despair in his voice was so strong it broke Naruto’s heart. He had to do something.

“Sasuke?” He whispered and grabbed Sasuke’s shoulder. “You have to wake up…”

Sasuke opened his eyes and looked around in terror.

Naruto didn’t know what to do other than to try and keep calm. “It’s okay,” he murmured. “I’m here. You’re okay. It was just a dream.”

Sasuke’s breathing calmed down. He looked at Naruto and recognition melted away the fear. He looked like he was on the verge of tears but managed to collect himself.

“It’s okay,” Naruto repeated.

He realized he was petting Sasuke’s hair. He hadn’t even noticed he was doing it, but Sasuke didn’t seem to mind. He closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Naruto. Soon he was asleep again, and Naruto felt like the luckiest man in the world where he lay with his arms around Sasuke. He allowed himself to lean his face against the top of Sasuke’s head and breathed in the clean scent of his hair.

 

\------

 

Naruto ran his hand up and down Sasuke’s arm. Lately, touching each other had become as natural as breathing. It worked wonders to calm down Sasuke and it filled that empty hollow in Naruto’s chest.

“I’ve thought about traveling,” Naruto said.

Sasuke tensed so Naruto hurried to add, “But I’m not leaving you, promise.”

Sasuke relaxed again.

“Actually,” Naruto said. “I wondered if you wanted to come with?”

“Have you forgotten that I’m not allowed to leave Konoha?”

“I know, but listen. I spoke to Kakashi, and he agrees to let you leave for a while… if I’m with you.”

Sasuke sat up slowly and gave Naruto an assessing gaze, as though he couldn’t quite believe what Naruto was saying.

“If this is a joke…”

“Of course it isn’t! This is real, Sasuke. You can leave for a while, if that’s what you want to.”

After a long moment, Sasuke nodded.

“I would like to leave,” he said, his voice soft. “But… You’re sure I’m allowed to?”

Naruto caressed Sasuke’s cheek. “Yes, I’m sure. It’s true, Sasuke. You can leave.”

 

\------

 

They left in the autumn. After saying goodbye to their friends they wandered off into the unknown. They did not know where they were going, but that didn’t matter. Naruto had just finished his jounin training and had aced the tests without problems. He had nothing to worry about at the moment, except taking care of Sasuke. But the farther they came from Konoha, the healthier Sasuke seemed to get. The nightmares came less frequently and he started getting some color back to his face. A new light bloomed in the depth of his eyes.

Soon, the touches and caresses meant for comfort started meaning something more. Naruto found that he touched Sasuke just to touch him, and Sasuke allowed it. It felt so natural that neither of them questioned it.

They crept closer to each other during the night, but they never talked about it or felt the need to point it out the next morning. In a sense, they both knew what was happening and since they both wanted it, they didn’t stop it.

Then it came to the point where Naruto wrapped one arm around Sasuke as they settled for sleep, and Sasuke snuggled closer to him, and they knew that there was no way back. There never had been, and they didn’t need it to be.

Naruto would nuzzle the back of Sasuke’s neck, and he would feel Sasuke relax in his arms, and he knew… he just knew that they would be okay.


End file.
